Aries (March 21-April 19)

The stars foretell a dark figure in your future. They drive a van, the windows are tinted and the plates are blurry. A hand reaches from it there is candy in its palm. Take the candy, especially if there are Snickers.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

People try to keep you down. Don't listen to them. Go forward with your ideas, no matter how crazy the others call you. Failure is not an option for you. Stride forward with all the confidence you can muster, and if you can't muster enough of your own, borrow some from a badger. They have plenty to spare. Though through your exploits remember this, you will always be second best to Chuck Norris.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Don't trust a friend or family member with money. Actually, this applies to everyone. This is sound advice to live by, as is everything else in these horoscopes.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

If you are in a long-standing relationship with someone, wait it out a little bit longer, even if you are sure you can do better and just want them gone so you don't have to argue all the time. This is especially true if they live with you. If you break up with them and they continue to live with you it will make things really, really awkward, which will just become more so when you start dating someone else only three days after the break up.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)

If you are a fan of Guitar Hero or Rock Band make sure that you can play an actual instrument. If you don't, then you are just pretending to do something that you can actually do in real life. Granted, if you can play a real instrument, then that's fine. Don't worry; the tambourine is totally a legit instrument. You can also play it if you can read music. If you can't do any of that and you still play one of those games, then a badger will attack you in your sleep.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)

Your vows will be tested like never before today. Every thing you see or do will be a challenge to your very humanity. Do not fret. The easiest way to pass these tests is to copy the guy next to you. If he doesn't have the right answers, then no one else does.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Don't be stingy with your money. If you see a homeless person on the street, throw him a couple of bucks. Don't be too liberal with your money though, or else you will soon be in their position. But if you see a den-less badger you can give it anything, money, food, babies. After all, badgers can't be choosers.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Challenge authority. Show your superiors who the boss really is, your ego. Don't be afraid to be a rebel. But if you're afraid of anything, then you aren't really a rebel. You're just a jerk.

Sagittarius (Nov 22- Dec 21)

Stay inside and lock all the doors. Someone is after you and they won't stop until they have you in their grasp. Trust no one, believe no one, talk to no one. The only person who can save you is you. Oh wait, it's November? Never mind. Have a pleasant day.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

No matter what you do, people will try to ruin your good time. The only thing to do is to pay them back worse. Revenge is a perfectly healthy action. If it weren't for revenge we wouldn't have reached the moon, and we wouldn't have the atomic bomb.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

Don't go near water today. Something very, very bad will happen. What exactly? Who knows? Maybe you'll slip and fall in a puddle. Maybe you'll get spit on. Maybe Aquaman will beat you up. The universe is a mystical Oreo.

Pisces (Feb 19 - March 20)

If you are a Pisces you won't have to work at all today and you will get that raise that you've deserved for the past couple of months that your boss decided you couldn't have because she said you were slacking off when you were on your break so you could slack off if you wanted to it was your break and then she's all like, "Nuh uh." And you're like, "Uh huh!" Wait.what happened? Oh yeah. Beware of badgers.