Jan 26, 2015 12:25pm
Ron Paul vanquished, spell broken
November 29, 2012 - 1:51pm
“Rondalf, The White” -- a mix of Rep. Ron Paul and “Lord of the Rings”wizard Gandalf as rendered by Aaron Gilje

The Paulite revolution may have flickered away with its overlord, Ron Paul, giving his farewell speech to congress on Nov. 14.

With his frail head cast to flipping pages, the great white wizard addressed the Congress in defeat.

He thanked his subjects, commemorating them for their heroic dedication to glorious causes such as the eradication of the national debt and the failed drug policy; all the while weaving the word “liberty” into his speech a whopping 44 times.

Wielding his constitutionally abiding wand, Paul used his terms in the House to flick away blasphemous unconstitutional bills proposed by both his opponents and conservative allies, probably bellowing “You shall not pass.”

So, here ends the 23-year reign that the white wizard used to battle big-government tyranny and promote “liberty” within these American borders.

So who was he? It depends who you ask.

He was different to all of us, taking different forms.

A magically-inclined sorcerer, an orthodox constitutionalist, a libertarian freedom fighter, a possible racist, an ultra-conservative flag bearer of recreational drug use, the benevolent Dr. No, an idealist in a froth of political greed, a shape shifter perhaps, figures, his wizardry probably reached back eons, or decades or something.

However you describe Ron Paul he certainly left his mark in American politics.
Paul is succeeded by his ragtag band of die-hard, drink-the-punch, kind of followers called Paulites. Paulites are made up of young upper class, tech savvy college kids, conspiracy theorists, tea partiers, and even other, darker wizards like David Duke, former Klu Klux Klan Grand Wizard, who endorsed Paul for president.

Paulites across the lands lamented over the resignation. His fanatic followers across the country removed their tin-foil hats, tuned into C-Span for his surrender and wept.

They contemplated which courses of action would be most appropriate: constructing back-yard bomb shelters, or stashing their depreciating currency in loose floorboards, where inflation can’t get to it.

Although the grand wizard will leave us, his haunting spirit and white magic, will reside in the spirit of his stead-fast supporters, and just know, Paulites, he is still with you.  So you don’t need to secede – ahem, Texas – there is still hope.
Paul is with you.

Next time you lift your lips to that rolled “cigarette,” know that Ron Paul is with you.

When you drink PBR and fire off your developing-nation-sized-munitions-arsenal off into a thick tree in the woods with your friends spitting chaw spit at the ground, Ron Paul is with you.

When you look at your paycheck, and raise your fists in vexation because of the outrageous tax rates that fund abortion factories and illegal immigrant welfare, Ron Paul is with you.

When your sons and daughters enlist in an armed service to go fight in another war half-way across the world that America has no business being in, Ron Paul is with you.

When you find an FBI wire behind the lamp in your bedroom next to your copy of the anarchist’s cookbook, Ron Paul is with you.

When you snag your ballot and let your pen pass the Republican and Democrat candidates and instead let it glide to the third party potentials, Ron Paul is with you.

Being a former Paulite, turned lazy Democrat, I understand the plight of the Paulites. They’re cornered into a political landscape that offers two choices, neither of which represents their interests. Then Paul comes along and offers them mystical policies with grand sweeping reform.

Yes I was once one of them. But I have broken from the sorcerers persuading spell.

His policies were too good to be true, like the withdrawal of American forces around the globe, thereby virtually unclenching America’s decades old grasp on the international community’s testes.

Those policies, that I once vehemently defended, seem more like bedtime fairy tales – befitting for a wizard – rather than viable campaign objectives.

I’ve come to find that much of Paul’s stances regard oversimplified answers to incredibly complex issues. Yet still the Wizard’s absolute adherence to his principles demands great respect.

And so a concoction of nostalgia and admiration leads me to harbor great remorse for the wizard’s passing. As I watched his farewell, a trickle of sorrow coursed through my liberal veins.

Just for a moment, I was hollow.

Goodbye sweet wizard; goodbye my friend. You have been the one for me.

Farewell Ron Paul.

Hahahaha so many people butt hurt. If you believe in what any politician says you are a very sad individual. Ellen Degeneres has done more than these sad individuals we call politicians. Being in the military we see it all and we get the worse of it all. You college kids know nothing.

Hmm... indeed

Utter garbage... a loser in defeat lashing out at those who still support and defend The Constitution and American Liberty.

He is not Rondolf, he is Obe-Ron-Kenobe. After the evil empire used every evil tactic to assassinate his character and steal from him what was rightfully his, he was confronted by Darth Romney at the Empires GOP counsel and Obe-Ron famously said "You can't win, Darth Romney. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine." And the story continues.

I LOVE this.

A hit piece in disguise, a bad one at that.

I really enjoyed your attempt at wit, it reminded me of my promise to never fail at writing. Thank you for the reminder, although I am left perplexed at how someone who is unable to put together an intriguing work has been awarded the title of "staff investigator", I can only assume that it is a glorified title masking the actual one of "intern".

Pure, unadulterated trash. You should apply to work for Fox and CNN...

This is a trash article, at least try to hide your bias, what is this a 5th grade writing assignment?

Interesting that you think his policies are like bedtime fairytales. Wouldn't you at least be on board to try something new than to further perpetuate a system that is failing hard? I think it's a bit harsh to label Paul's policies as too simple and fairytale just because nothing like them have ever been done before.

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